


The Feel Again (Stay)

by 2am_limbo



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish Loves Ronan Lynch, Adam-Centric, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blackouts, Depersonalization, Dissociation, Hurt Adam Parrish, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, POV Ronan Lynch, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, Soft Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:06:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26019259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2am_limbo/pseuds/2am_limbo
Summary: Ronan tried to think. Tried to think of all the places that Adam might go if he needed to be alone, when he needed to decompress, but Ronan couldn’t think of any. Adam always found that in Ronan. Ronan started to panic.
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 34
Kudos: 180





	1. The Feel Again (Stay)

**Author's Note:**

> Past abuse is inferred, but there aren't any details.  
> The title comes from Blue October.

Adam wasn’t home. 

His shift at Boyd’s ended 74 minutes ago, and it always took him about 30 minutes to get home, and yet he was 41 minutes late… Ronan fleetingly knew that he sounded ridiculously overprotective, but Adam always came straight home on these days when he worked a shift in the morning at the warehouse and a shift and a half at Boyd’s. Always. Yet Adam wasn’t home.

They had a routine. Adam would come home smelling like gasoline and looking haggard with dark circles under his eyes, and Ronan would have dinner waiting for him. They would sit on the couch and mindlessly watch something on the ID Channel, Adam pressed up against Ronan as close as he could get, almost desperately, seeking comfort. It was those nights that Ronan would gently kiss Adam’s eyes in bed, always hoping to take away the exhaustion that always lingered there.

Ronan tried to think. Tried to think of all the places that Adam might go if he needed to be alone, when he needed to decompress, but Ronan couldn’t think of any. Adam always found that in Ronan. Ronan started to panic.

There was no more trailer park, no longer the apartment above St. Agnes. Adam had Cabeswater, but Cabeswater was no more, and he wouldn’t go to Fox Way now that Persephone was gone. They had each other and the Barns. Ronan threw his hands up behind his head and ran his hands over the short stubble there and began to pace. It was then that it really hit Ronan just how alone Adam must have always felt before he met Gansey, Noah, and him.

Ronan didn’t think that Adam would go to Monmouth. Monmouth would be the last place he would go if he needed to be alone, but he didn’t want to call Gansey. Ronan suddenly turned and quickly put on his boots, didn’t bother with socks, and left the house. He stopped at the bottom step of the porch and looked at his BMW. He looked to the left, to the right. He didn’t know what to do first, where to look first. It was pitch black out other than the twinkling of his dream fireflies. He got in his car and began to drive down the several miles of gravel road towards town.

17 minutes passed as Ronan crept along the back roads with his brights on, and tried his best to look through the thick brush on either side of the road. Finally, finally, he pulled up near a thin and lean boy who slowly walked along the steep shoulder along the right side of the road, so steep that Ronan could only see above the boy’s shoulders. Ronan could place that perfect sandy hair anywhere, though, and the way his shoulders met the base of his neck, always looking so tense.

Ronan slammed on his breaks as far off the road as possible near the shoulder with a brief squeal. “Adam!” He called, but Adam didn’t seem to hear him, he only continued to walk. Ronan jogged to catch up with him as twigs crunched under his feet. He reached Adam and grabbed his elbow, which caused Adam to visibly flinch away as he looked at Ronan, eyes wide and scared as he lowered his arms down in front of him as if ashamed. He looked at Ronan with furrowed brows, but his eyes were far away.

“Adam?” Ronan gently tried again as he became more and more concerned. He stepped closer and gently cupped each side of Adam’s face, causing him to once again flinch away, but Ronan didn’t let go. Ronan squinted and examined Adam’s eyes, looked him up and down for any visible injuries, and when he looked back up to his face, he saw the large black and blue welt that had formed along Adam’s beautiful right cheekbone down to the far side of his jaw near his ear. Ronan instantly became infuriated and shouted without thinking about Adam’s reaction.

“What the fuck happened, Adam?” Even though Ronan was seething and shouting, he was always, always gentle with Adam. He softly ran his thumbs over Adam’s sharp cheekbones. “Who did this?”

Adam rapidly blinked a few times before he whispered, “Ronan.”

Ronan let out the breath he had been holding, “Christ, there you are.” Adam blinked a couple more times before looking over Ronan’s shoulder, and then to his right at the BMW, looking more and more confused as he took in his surroundings.

“Come on. Let’s go home,” Ronan said as he slid his hand down to entwine his fingers with Adam’s, and lead him to the car.

The car ride back to the Barns was uncomfortably silent as Adam clenched and unclenched his fists and picked at his nails. His gaze never left his lap. Ronan continued to look at him out of the corner of his eye, his hand ghostly pale on the gear shift. When they got back to the Barns, Adam let himself out of the car without a word, walked into the house and to the kitchen, and poured himself a glass of water from the tap. Ronan watched him from the doorway as Adam drank the glass of water in one gulp.

“Dad paid me a visit at Boyd’s today,” Adam said bluntly as he turned back to the sink and poured another glass of water. Ronan immediately tensed, and recognized this defense mechanism of Adam’s, this detachment. “Drunk and waiting out at my car when I left the shop.”

Ronan stilled and between clenched teeth said, “I’m gonna fuckin’ kill him, that motherfu—“

“No, you’re not,” Adam interrupted calmly as he placed his glass next to the sink. “I’m going to shower,” and with that, Adam walked past Ronan and up the stairs to their bathroom as if nothing had happened.

“What the fuck…” Ronan whispered under his breath as he stared at the sink, confused. After a few moments, Ronan turned to head up the stairs to wait for Adam in their bedroom. He mulled over what to say, what to do. He was at a loss. He wanted to fucking kill Robert Parrish, his hands clenched and unclenched into fists. He could feel that old familiar sensation in his chest. That adrenalin, looking for a fight. Adam had come such a long way since finally being able to leave that detestable trailer. Like how Adam has helped him control his anger, he’s helped Adam control his anxiety and panic. They’ve developed breathing techniques that worked for each of them, and while they’ve grown as men in the last 10 months, Ronan would still sometimes freeze in the driveway and tear up when he found himself standing on the spot where he found his father murdered. While they’ve grown as men in the last 10 months, Adam still sometimes flinches when Ronan raises his voice or comes near him too quickly.

Ronan cleared his mind and looked up to the doorway and waited. He realized after a moment that he never heard the shower turn on. Adam had turned on the water several minutes ago but never turned the knob to the showerhead. Ronan stood and quietly padded across the hall to the bathroom door and listened for a moment. Other than the running water, there was silence. Ronan knocked but didn’t wait for a response before opening the door.

Adam was sitting on the floor in the corner between the bathtub and the toilet. His knees were pulled up to his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around his abdomen and sides as if protecting his ribs and his head was back against the wall. He was shaking and trying his best to breathe.

Ronan didn’t say a word as he quietly walked over to Adam and looked down at him. Ronan sat down on the cold tile in front of him, and purposely brushed his foot with his to let him know he was there. He gently reached out to grab each of Adam’s hands from around his middle.

Adam slowly opened his eyes and looked at Ronan. His eyes were glassy and red, and he blinked rapidly to force back his tears. “I’m sorry I scared you,” Adam whispered, “I don’t know what happened.” Adam’s eyes fluttered closed again and Ronan’s mind went back to the incident Gansey told him about when Adam went with him to the gathering in DC.

“You don’t remember anything?” Adam said nothing, and Ronan swallowed hard, worry, and dread quickly filled his body like hot lava. He gently tugged on Adam’s hands, coaxing him around and into Ronan’s lap. Adam laid halfway down, his legs still on the floor but curled up on his side with his arms wrapped around himself in Ronan’s lap. Ronan draped an arm around Adam’s shoulders and slowly ran his fingers through Adam’s hair with his other hand, the way that always put Adam to sleep. He felt Adam melt into his lap. A deep and shaky breath left his lungs. After a few moments of sitting that way, Ronan uncomfortably up straight in the middle of the bathroom floor with his best friend, the love of his life, breaking down in his lap… Ronan felt a warm wet patch forming at the inseam of his jeans.

“Hey…” Ronan whispered, “Adam.”

Adam said nothing. He stopped moving altogether as if holding his breath. _Play dead. If I’m not moving, he can’t see me._ “Adam, look at me.” Adam turned his face further into Ronan’s lap so that he couldn’t see his face, and Ronan’s heart kept breaking and breaking and breaking, there was nothing left to break. “Adam, please,” nothing.

In a time like this and only this, Ronan was grateful for Adam’s ingrained habit of eating as little as possible, only enough to survive, because he could easily lift him without a problem. Ronan placed his hands around Adam’s waist to shift him around and then lifted his head upwards to look into Ronan’s face. Adam stubbornly kept his eyes closed, ashamed. In the time that Ronan has known Adam, he’s never seen him quite like this, this broken, but at the same time, Adam was always alone after his father’s attacks. Ronan couldn’t remember a time when Adam came to them on his own afterward. Ronan wanted to throw up.

Ronan kept his hands firmly planted on either side of Adam’s face so that he could feel the warmth and love there; “you don’t need to open your eyes, just listen,” Ronan began. He saw Adam’s chest shudder and then begin to move almost steadily once again. Ronan placed a hand over his chest and smoothed the other over his hair. “Whatever the fuck your shithead father said to you, you know in that bigass analytical head of yours that it isn’t true. Do you hear me?” Adam began worrying at his bottom lip.  
Adam opened his eyes then but didn’t meet Ronan’s. Instead, he looked at the ceiling. “I don’t understand why he still hates me,” Adam said quietly. “He’s not responsible for me anymore. One less mouth to feed.”

“Because you got away, Adam. You’re stronger than he is, and deep down he knows it. You saw your chance and took it. That’s why he hates you. You’re a better man.”

Adam’s eyes fluttered to meet Ronan’s then, and he simply blinked, but something in that slow blink looked a lot like _I love you_. Ronan leaned down even though the muscles in his neck felt like they were on fire from sitting so uncomfortably and kissed the tip of Adam’s nose. That brought out an amused huff from Adam, and Ronan grinned down at him.

“I love you, shithead.”


	2. Basic Instinct

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: There is a paragraph here that mentions different instances of abuse and a brief mention of suicide. Nothing is in detail, they're all only general examples, but if you feel like that will be triggering for you, please do not read.

The sunlight pierced Adam’s eyelids and he slowly opened them to find himself in a queen-sized bed that formed around himself exactly how he liked it, and with his head indented in a soft pillow exactly how he liked it. He breathed in deeply and looked around, the familiar white and black striped down comforter slowly brought him back to the present. He was in Ronan’s and his bedroom and in their dreamed up bed meant to conform itself to however your body needed it. He turned his face into the pillow and choked back anxious and panicky breaths as some of the memories from the previous night came flooding back.

“Hey, you,” Ronan’s voice greeted near the side of the bed.

“Hey,” Adam said groggily, and then whispered, “Ronan.” Ronan hummed in response. He loved the sound of his name on Adam’s tongue. Ronan bent down and kissed the first part of Adam’s head that his lips came to.

“How are you feeling?”

Adam blinked a couple of times to clear his vision and looked around, “I don’t remember too much.” Adam didn’t miss the fleeting look of concern that flashed across Ronan’s face before he said cheerily, “I made blueberry pancakes. They’re the first batch of my dreamed blueberries, and it’s cool outside, come on.” Adam hadn’t noticed that he had his hands cupped until he brought his hands up to show Adam the handful of huge blueberries larger than the size of a quarter. Adam smiled then, a true smile, and Ronan felt his heart beat faster. He was so stupidly in love with this boy.

“Come on, hurry _ up _ ,” Ronan threw the covers back from over Adam, grabbed his hand, and dragged him out of bed. Adam stumbled through the room and into the hallway as Ronan dragged him along. Ronan wanted nothing more than to make things better. He needed for Adam to be  _ better _ .

“Wait, wait, I need my shoes, Ro--” Ronan came to a stop and groaned, rolled his eyes. Adam was still groggy and struggled to get his Chucks on. “Okay, okay, lead the way.”

Ronan led him along at a normal speed so that he and Adam could walk side by side. They reached the fire pit that Ronan had built for them several months ago. Around the pit sat new hand-carved seats made of tree stumps and a small table made of the same wood. Adam’s mouth opened slightly as he looked at them. Ronan watched the small smile that formed on his face, and he felt the blush reach his ears.

“Since when do you woodwork?” Adam asked quietly. Ronan shrugged. On the table sat a large stack of pancakes covered with a cake lid to keep the flies away that Ronan probably found somewhere in the house that was his mother’s.

Ronan desperately needed to talk to Adam about last night, but he wanted Adam to enjoy the morning. He  _ missed  _ him, even though they have both been having normal Lynch & Parrish days prior to last night’s events. Normal for them anyway. But last night felt so intense and made him feel like he had been suspended in time. Adam’s faraway look and how he refused to let Ronan look at him haunted him all night. Once he had been sure that Adam was soundly asleep in his arms and up against his chest, he pulled his phone out to research psychiatric blackouts. As much as Ronan hated to admit it, he was scared, and he was scared for Adam.

“What’re you thinking about over there, Lynch?” Adam asked lightly as he took another bite of the best blueberry pancakes he’s ever had his life. Adam had unintentionally given him the perfect opportunity to address this, but he was scared to even open his mouth. He was at war with himself and looked up to find Adam looking at him.

“I’m worried about you,” Ronan blurted out and snapped his mouth closed. Adam blinked at him and waited, either waiting for some kind of response to formulate in his head, or waiting for Ronan to continue. “I did some research last night, and--”

“ _ You _ did research?”

Ronan glared at him and huffed, “Yes, _ I _ did some research. There’s something called depersonalization that can happen with people who have developed PTSD.”

“But I don’t have--”

“I think you do,” Ronan interrupted softly.

“It’s only happened a couple of times since I was a kid, Lynch, that I can remember. I think it’s a normal response for a kid to have in situations of abuse. Don’t talk to anyone, keep your head down, don’t draw attention to yourself,” Adam gave a tiny almost invisible shrug.

“ _ That you remember _ . You don’t just keep your head down and detach, Adam, it’s like you blackout. You didn’t even know where you were or who I was,” Ronan paused and drew in a deep breath, he felt his hands tremble. “Like last year when you went to that gathering in DC for Gansey’s mom and the two of you argued… Gansey said they found you wandering down the interstate without any kind of idea of how you even got there--”

“Wait, what?” Adam interrupted, his brows furrowed in confusion. “What did I do? Gansey didn’t tell me any of this. I only remember the police bringing me back to his family’s home that morning, and he told me I had gotten lost when I wandered off.”

Ronan didn’t respond. He only watched Adam expectantly and waited for all of this information to turn over in his brain for him to process.

Finally, after several moments passed, Adam simply whispered, “I’m not crazy.”

“No, Adam. You are definitely not crazy. You are the most brilliant, hard-working, strongest people I have ever met in my life. You’ve suffered through 17 years of abuse, this is how your brain tries to cope with it. I mean, I get it, look how fucked up I am,” Ronan watched Adam’s face intently. “This is the first run in you’ve had with your dad since the court case.”

Adam looked away from Ronan and off into the distance for a moment. His eyes followed the movement of the trees as they blew in the cool breeze, and then he picked his fork back up and absent-mindedly stirred the few remaining pieces of pancake in the syrup. Nothing more was said about it.

\----

Late that night, Ronan and Adam both dreamed. Ronan’s dreams, however, made him feel as if he were in limbo. He was in that state between wakefulness and sleep, and every time he would subconsciously hear or feel Adam tossing and turning or mumbling something frantic yet unintelligible in his sleep, Ronan’s brain would suddenly morph into another dream world where he was the culprit or the victim. Over and over and over again he would watch himself push Adam down the trailer steps and watch as he slammed his head against the surface, causing permanent deafness in one ear. He would watch himself shatter a beer bottle over Adam’s head and then watch the gash over his eyebrow begin to bleed, which led to further scolding for being weak. Other times Ronan would be looking out of Adam’s eyes as Robert Parrish backed him up against the wall and punched him in the ribs as he saw his mother watching from the kitchen doorway behind his father. Other times, he would simply be curled up on the old and tattered couch that was his bed. He would bury his face in the pillow so that Robert Parrish couldn’t hear him cry.

When Ronan woke up with a gasp, choked back sobs, and the sour taste of bile in his throat, he could feel the dread in his chest that Adam always felt. A massive, heavy, black mass. The dread and shame and uselessness, and most of all, the need and desperation to end it all.

Ronan looked over to his right where Adam had mumbled something. He laid back down and drew Adam into his chest as close as he could, and gently ran his face through Adam’s soft hair. He felt Adam relax against him in his sleep, and then they both slept peacefully.


	3. Shed Some Light

Several weeks later without incident, Adam and Ronan were on the couch together with the TV on. However, the boys hadn’t paid any attention to it… Ronan was on top of Adam, his leg in between Adam’s, and he gently kissed along Adam’s jaw bone and down his neck to his collarbone, his hands under his shirt to feel his warmth. There was no lust or infatuation there this time, simply love and comfort and longing for closeness. Ronan wanted to consume Adam. He wanted to become one, to share the intense feelings with him that he can’t articulate, and to absorb Adam’s gentleness with him, the ways in which he shows his affection through touch.

Adam’s phone began to ring from the coffee table, and Adam groaned into Ronan’s mouth before deciding to ignore it. Ronan grinned against Adam’s lips and pressed his forehead against Adam’s, “I love you, Parrish,” Ronan whispered. Adam didn’t say it back, but he leaned his head forward enough to kiss the tip of Ronan’s nose and both eyelids, and hummed in response. “And I love you here,” Ronan added as he kissed his hairline, “and I love you here,” at the crooked bridge of his nose where it had been broken in the past, “and here, here, here, and here,” Ronan finished quickly as he planted several kisses back to back all over his face. Adam laughed wholeheartedly then, and the pride on Ronan’s face was breathtaking.

Just then, the boys heard the back door in the kitchen open and slam close, open, and slam close, over and over again, the tell-tale sign of a jealous Opal who wanted attention. Ronan groaned dramatically and threw his head down to Adam’s chest before he got up to go scold Opal. Adam took the opportunity to check his phone. The missed call was from “Mom” and there was a voicemail. Adam froze as he sat there and stared at the phone, motionless.

Adam didn’t hear Ronan reappear next to him until he heard “Parrish?” Adam looked up to him with widened and glassy eyes and handed him the phone. Ronan looked at the screen for only a second before unlocking it and hitting the “voicemail” button. He placed the phone to his ear and listened. As the seconds passed, his mouth opened, and as the last seconds of the voicemail neared, he looked down at Adam on the couch before lowering the phone and touching the “end” button. He handed the phone back to Adam. He didn’t take it.

“I don’t want to hear her voice... What is it?” Adam faltered at that last question, his voice cracked, and stared at Ronan  _ don’t tell me, don’t tell me, don’t tell me _ .

After a moment of silence, Ronan looked down at him and said “you’re dad’s dead. Drunk driving accident.”

“... What?” Adam blinked at Ronan. His mind was elsewhere.

“The funeral is this Saturday at 3:00. She asked if you would come.”

“She wants me to come?” Adam’s face hardened and he began to raise his voice, “ _She wants me to_ _come_ after all of those years of watching him beat me and doing nothing? Only sometimes giving me a band-aid and saying not to make him angry, and she wants me to _come_?” Adam began to shake now, and Ronan said nothing. This was the first time that Ronan had ever really witnessed him address his past with a proper emotional response and openly talk about it, however minimal. Perhaps Adam had thought a bit about what Ronan had inferred about his need for help after all.

Ronan walked away for a minute before he reappeared with a large party-sized bag of peanut butter M&Ms, Adam’s favorite, and sat the bag on the coffee table.

“Look, Parrish,” Ronan began as he grabbed a handful out of the bag. Ronan did this thing that drove Adam crazy and gave him intense butterflies in the pit of his belly. He bit the M&M in half gently as if to savor it, before slowly taking the other half in his mouth and crunching. Completely oblivious to the effect he was having on Adam (or maybe he was aware and was trying to distract him, no one ever knew, really, with Ronan Lynch), he said, “The last thing I fuckin’ want is for you to be around all of those dickheads, the whole goddamn lot of them, but maybe at the same time… it can help in some way…” Adam looked confused by this idea.

Ronan bit into another M&M, “I mean, the motherfucker is dead and to be buried in the fuckin’ ground. Maybe it will help you start to heal if you see him dead in a goddamn box.”

“Classy, Lynch.”

Ronan only shrugged, “I could’ve killed the fucker myself for what he did to you.”

Adam met Ronan’s eyes for a moment and saw there that Ronan was dead serious. Adam swallowed the lump in his throat and looked away. “Will you go with me?” Adam whispered.

“Do you think I would let you around those stupid fuckers by yourself, Parrish?”

\---

On Saturday morning, Adam woke up wide awake at 2:13 in the morning. Ronan must have felt him stir in his sleep because he slid his hand up Adam’s shirt and sleepily ran uneven circles over his chest. Adam exhaled slowly as he closed his eyes again, and he gradually relaxed back into the mattress and leaned into Ronan.

“Go the fuck to sleep, Parrish,” Ronan grumbled and pulled him in close, his warm hand resting on his belly.

\---

Adam sat in the passenger seat of the BMW as he watched those attending the funeral cross the parking lot. He sat and waited. He ignored Ronan’s occasional look to see if he was ready to go inside, but Adam only continued to fidget with the tie he was wearing of Ronan’s and worried at his bottom lip. Ronan noticed that his hands had begun to shake, and Adam dropped the tie and shoved his hands between his knees.

In one swift motion, Adam suddenly threw open the passenger door and got out. “Come on, Lynch.” Ronan recognized that detached look and behavior, and he followed without a word. They both crossed the parking lot with their hands in their pockets. Ronan easily slid on his antagonistic mask to ensure that no one fucked around, and at this time only, Ronan was grateful that Adam was deaf in one ear so that he couldn’t hear some of the people in the entrance of the church whispering about he was  _ Robert’s boy who left _ . Several of the guests obviously eyed Ronan’s BMW and his nice suit, and then allowed their eyes to wander over to Adam, with the opposite impression. Adam didn’t need to hear in order to feel the oppressive atmosphere, and he subconsciously slid closer over to Ronan so that his elbow and forearm were touching Ronan’s while his hands were still in his pockets. Ronan needed to keep him grounded, to keep him in the here-and-now.

The two of them slipped into the church. Adam slid into a back pew and looked around nervously at all the different faces. He recognized his mother’s sister, who looked over her shoulder at him several times with what appeared to be sympathy. Sympathy for what, he didn’t know. Adam saw his father’s father and younger sister, his two half-sisters who he never had relationships with partly because of how hurt his mother was when she found out, and partly because he simply had no interest.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light,” the preacher began, and Adam stiffened. Ronan kept his eyes forward but slowly slid his hand between them to entwine his fingers with Adam’s. Ronan felt sick. He knew these passages like the back of his hand, but when he heard them in reference to Robert Parrish, he wanted to throw up and punch something and go up and scream from the pulpit.

Every so often Ronan would chance a glance at Adam. He was rigid and hadn’t moved a muscle. As the preacher continued talking about innocent souls and sinning and eternal life and forgiveness, Ronan looked over again to see that Adam had closed his eyes and his chest heaved. Ronan squeezed his hand and began rubbing circles along the soft spot between his thumb and index finger, but Adam refused to open his eyes.

After several more minutes Ronan’s head whipped back around to the front angrily as the preacher began again with, “Robert Parrish is survived by--” Adam took his hand away from Ronan’s and wrapped his arms around his middle, eyes still closed as he focused on his breathing, “his wife Abigail Parrish, his son Adam--”  _ flinch _ “and his twin daughters, Megan and Sophia.” Ronan opened his mouth, confused. Daughters?

After that, time flew by in a blur, and then the main service was over. Ronan even felt dazed, he couldn’t even imagine how Adam must be feeling. It was announced that there would be a small gathering outside in the back garden with refreshments, and as many of the people from the front of the church began to disperse, Adam’s aunt Debra came to see them. 

Ronan immediately saw her lift her arm to place her hand on Adam’s shoulder, and he internally flinched for Adam as he saw what reaction was coming… One thing you do not do is startle or sneak up on Adam. She gently placed her hand on his shoulder and said, “Adam,” but quickly jerked it away when Adam jumped a mile high in the pew and his eyes snapped open.

“I’m sorry,” she said quickly, “I didn’t mean to startle you.” Her eyes were full of compassion, and this confused Ronan. She stood out from everyone else here with her freshly done hair and designer skirt suit and professional-looking makeup. She sat down in the pew in front of them and leaned her arm over the back of it so that she could look at Adam who still hadn’t said a word. She looked at Ronan for a second, unsure of if she should introduce herself, etiquette is always so abstract at these sorts of gatherings, and then looked back to Adam. 

“Ronan,” he said, “Adam’s boyfriend.” 

Ronan hoped that Adam wouldn’t be upset about this later even though he had previously told his parents that the two of them were together, but Ronan was feeling entirely way too overprotective of Adam right now to care. He would burn down this whole goddamn town for this boy if the situation warranted it.

“I’m Debbie, Adam’s aunt,” she held out her hand to Ronan, but he simply raised an eyebrow at her. 

She nodded in understanding and said, “I’m not my sister, Ronan, and fuck Robert Parrish.” She looked over to Adam then, who seemed to be a bit more aware of things now after processing what she just said. His brow furrowed in confusion, and Adam croaked out, “What?”

“I know what you went through, Adam,” she began, “I didn’t know at the time when I would occasionally see you during the holidays, but I saw the signs. I knew Robert, of course, and how the holiday gatherings would end up turning out, so I always assumed that that was why you always went into work as you got older.” Debbie paused for a second and used a knuckle to push up her glasses a bit higher. “I saw the signs when you were a child, how you would always hide under the front porch because Robert and Abigail couldn’t fit. How I would open the closet door to grab my coat and there would be new nail scratches down the inside of the door from the previous time I visited--”

“Then why the  _ fuck _ didn’t you do something about it!” Ronan suddenly shouted, “Seventeen  _ fucking _ years of this bullshit hell, and you just watched it happen!”

Adam looked over at Ronan then, strangely calm, and Ronan softened a fraction and closed his mouth.

“That’s what I’m trying to say. I suspected for all of these years, but I never knew for certain, and I am so terribly sorry. I never meant to turn the other cheek, it was just… life happened. That isn’t an excuse at all, and I feel so guilty about it. I knew, and I never came forward, and I am so, so sorry. I just wanted you to know that, and to know that someone in this godforsaken family did and does care.” Adam still didn’t say anything, but he nodded at her. She nodded back, a silent agreement.

“I also wanted to give this to you,” she added, opening her tiny black purse and retrieving a business card. She handed it to Adam, and he looked down at the name on the card: Dr. Debra Parrish-Grant, MD - Clinical Psychology. “I have to get going, though. It was really good to see you, even under such circumstances. You look good,” Debra said and rose from the pew and stepped out into the aisle.

“Wait,” Adam suddenly said quickly as she began to walk away in her black designer heels. He stood up and caught up to her only a few steps away. He stood close and finally hugged her tightly. He closed his eyes again.

“Thank you,” he whispered in her ear. Debra whispered something back to him that Ronan couldn’t hear and kissed his cheek before leaving. Adam simply stood there in the now empty church and watched her walk away. Ronan stood then and came to Adam’s side. He looked at him and grabbed his hand. He brought Adam’s fingers to his lips and closed his eyes as he kissed them. “I’m proud of you,” he said, “and I love you.”

Adam sucked in a deep and steady breath then, relieved, “I love you.”

Ronan tugged on his hand then, “come on, let’s go home.” He led Adam back through the church and through the entranceway, back through the main yard towards the parking lot, and Adam let him. As they got closer to the lot, Ronan tried his best then to act lighthearted, and swung around to walk backward while still holding Adam’s hand, “Oh! Actually, let’s go get some shakes first. I’m in the mood for some chocolate. And french fries. You have to have fries with it, that’s some kind of fucking golden rule or some shit--” Adam’s mouth quirked up a bit in amusement, and he had never felt more grateful for Ronan Lynch until this day. He loved Ronan more than anyone and anything in the world, and was of course grateful and fortunate for him during every waking moment, but this was a different sort of grateful. This was a deep, deep void that longed for  _ something _ , and was only now satisfied in this one and only instance with Ronan Lynch.

“-- Or maybe we should get two, one of them for the trip back to the Barns. Maybe they’ll have those cookie straws back in stock this time--” Ronan groaned in pleasure and anticipation. Adam continued to smile as he watched his feet, one step, second step, third, trusting Ronan to lead the way. Adam trusted Ronan to lead him to hell and back.

“Mm… there’s that smile,” Ronan said cheerfully as he pulled Adam closer to him to continue walking side by side. Ronan wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him in to kiss his cheek as they reached the BMW. 

“You ready for a ride, Parrish?” Ronan said playfully seductive, and wiggled his eyebrows from over the top of the car. Adam only rolled his eyes and slid into the passenger seat.

**Author's Note:**

> That's all, folks. 💖


End file.
